The first Christmas without them: gentle ways to remember

The first Christmas without someone you love is often one of the hardest days of the first year. There is no right way to get through it, but small, planned ways of including them, and permission to do Christmas differently this year, help many families feel less overwhelmed.

Here are some gentle, practical ideas. Take what helps and leave the rest.

Is it normal to dread the first Christmas?

Yes. Christmas is full of traditions, and many of them belong to the person who is gone. The way Mum set the table. Dad's job of carving. Nan's pudding. Each of those moments can feel like a fresh reminder. Dreading it does not mean you are doing grief wrong. It means they mattered.

It can help to know that the days leading up to Christmas are often harder than the day itself. Planning ahead, even a little, takes some of the weight off.

Should we keep our usual traditions?

You do not have to decide everything at once. Some families find comfort in keeping every tradition exactly the same. Others need to change everything this year. Many do a bit of both. A few questions to talk through together:

• Which traditions do we want to keep, because they feel like them?
• Which ones would hurt too much this year?
• Would it help to be somewhere different, like a new house or a picnic instead of a big lunch?
• Who will take on the jobs they used to do, and does anyone want to?

Whatever you choose this year does not have to be forever. You can always change it again next year.

How can we include them on Christmas Day?

Many people find that openly including the person they miss feels better than trying not to mention them.

• Light a candle. Light it at the start of the day or before the meal, and let it burn through Christmas.
• Keep their place. Set a small framed photo or a flower where they used to sit.
• Hang a memory ornament. A decoration with their name or photo, added to the tree each year.
• Share a memory at the table. Ask everyone to share one memory of them, funny or sad.
• Cook their recipe. Make the dish they were known for, even if it does not turn out quite the same.
• Play their music. Their favourite carols, or the album they always put on.
• Write them a card. Each person writes a short note to them and places it in a box or under the tree.
• Give in their name. Donate to a cause they cared about, or buy a gift for someone in need that they would have chosen.

What if I need a break during the day?

Take one. Go for a walk, sit in the car for ten minutes, or step outside with a cup of tea. Tell one person you trust that you might need to slip away, so you do not have to explain in the moment. If someone at the table is quieter than usual, a gentle "would you like a walk?" can mean a lot.

It is also fine to laugh. Joy on Christmas Day does not mean you miss them any less.

How can I support someone else at their first Christmas without them?

• Send a message on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning that says their loved one's name.
• Invite them, but make it easy to say no, or to leave early.
• Offer something specific, like dropping off a meal or helping put up the tree.
• Remember that Boxing Day and the quiet days after can be lonely too.

If you are looking for a gift, our memorial and sympathy gift ideas guide has suggestions for every budget.

Could a Christmas portrait help?

For some families, yes. Our Christmas Together portrait shows you and the person you miss side by side on Christmas Day, by the tree, in cosy jumpers. You upload a photo of you and a photo of them, and see a free preview before deciding. You can add up to six people, so the whole family can be in it together.

Some people give it as a gift to a parent who has lost their partner. Others hang it by the tree as a way of having them there. If you would prefer a portrait for every day of the year, Together Forever is a timeless black and white alternative.

If you would like a printed portrait for Christmas, please order early. Canvases and framed prints take 2 to 3 business days to print, then usually 4 to 9 business days to arrive, and the Christmas season can take a little longer. A digital portrait is emailed straight after checkout, so it is always an option if time is short. See our shipping page for details.

When should I ask for more help?

Grief at Christmas is normal, but if you feel unable to cope, or worried about your safety, please reach out. Talk to your doctor, a grief counsellor, or a support line in your country. In Australia you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 at any time.

Be gentle with yourself

The first Christmas does not have to be a good one. It only has to be got through, in whatever way works for you. Next year may feel different. And whatever you do this year, they are still part of your family's Christmas, because you are remembering them.

If a portrait feels right, see your Christmas Together preview free. No card, no account.